A Word on Internet Dating 11 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Tuesday April 3, 2007 at 12:10 am)

That’s right, fucktards, I’ve entered the world of internet dating.

What?  What’s a guy to do?  This island is full of crackheads, losers, and chicks with, like, thirteen kids before they’re twenty years old.

And I’m just talking about my friends. 

But, I have to say something about one internet site in particular:

Dear True.com:

Fuck you, you slimy cock bitch bag of cockmunchers.

Yours truly,
The Lord Protector of Madagascar.

You see, they won’t let me on their site.  It was the one that I really wanted to be on, too.  There are like four little brown girls on their site, THAT LIVE IN MY TOWN (which, incidentally, has only about 1200 people and is the teen pregnancy and crackhead capital of the North side of the island), that have college educations and no fucking children.

So, I’m all ready to join and these self-righteous ass monkeys won’t let me on.  Why, you may ask?  Because they won’t let felons on their site. 

That’s right.  I know this may come as a shock to some of you, that an articulate and caring man such as myself may be a criminal.  Say it isn’t so.

I know.  It’s shocking.  It truly is. 

You see, back in 2002 I took a felony charge for possession with intent to deliver 2 pounds of marijuana.  I didn’t roll on my guys, so I took a felony hit.  It was the only time I had ever been arrested, charged or convicted of ANYTHING, except for traffic citations.  And now these donkey punching, ferret fisting whores at TRUE tell me that I can’t be let into the Garden Of Little Brown Girl Delights because I’m a ex-pot dealer? 

Fuck, man, I did my time and I’ve been clean for nearly three and a half years.

These fuckers made me feel like I was a sex offender or something.  I mean, sure, I’m a little sexual deviant, but I’ve never took a collar for it or copped to it.

Granted, I like tying girls to the bed as much as the next guy that shops at ExtremeRestraints but I’ve never chloroformed anybody and locked them in my basement. 

And, I tell every girl, every single one, on the first date, about all of it.  Aren’t these people old enough to make up their minds themselves?  And don’t the judgmental pricks at True think that people can ever change?  How long do I have to carry this shit around?

I mean, shit, I don’t even have a basement.

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11 comments for A Word on Internet Dating »

only 2lb? pffft. see, there’s your problem. women like men with grandiose visions and ambition. i mean if you’re going to be arrested, it might as well be for something worthwhile, like embezzling, grand larceny (no, petty won’t do), racketeering, and so forth – gentlemanly crimes, if you will, that lend themselves well to white collar crimes.

dating services are creepy anyway. besides, would any sensible person truly believe that they could order up a person like you could order a custom-made suit? if the locals suck, either hit on the tourists or move.

Comment by kermit — Tuesday.April.3.2007 @ 1:19 am


With a population like that, it’s a wonder you’ve managed thus far.
So, do they do a background check? How do they know of your disgraceful past?

Comment by iamnot — Tuesday.April.3.2007 @ 6:50 am


Here is your problem, pal. All the sexual deviants are here in Manhattan. We don’t need no stinkin’ internet dating. We all know the secret handshake. (You are going to want to wash your hand after, but welcome!)

Comment by PeeWee — Tuesday.April.3.2007 @ 7:44 pm


put yr hands up hawaii. it’s motherfuckin petition time.

kick out the jams.

Comment by meg — Wednesday.April.4.2007 @ 12:27 am


But you DO have chloroform in your medicine cabinet?

Even ex-Pot dealers deserve a little online love.

Comment by PNW Girl — Wednesday.April.4.2007 @ 9:47 am


do they do a background check? how very odd to have as a rule on their site. i would think that would cancel quite a large group of the male population for fucks sake.

here’s what i throw out to you LORD PROTECTOR OF MADAGASCAR as a suggestion, start your own dating website for convicted felons. THAT could be fun eh?

i know, i know you barely have enough time to keep up with your blog….

Comment by piglet — Wednesday.April.4.2007 @ 4:32 pm


I don’t really know you well enough to say this- at the risk of hurting your feelings- but that was really funny. Not that they wouldn’t let you on, but how you conveyed that. I mean, really funny. I’m still laughing. Maybe there’s a site for convicted funny people looking for, um, little brown girls that you could sign up for. You got a great shot at that…

Comment by One Wink — Wednesday.April.4.2007 @ 4:49 pm


Kermit – I once got pulled over with 3,000 hits of acid, 5 pounds of pot and six ounces of cocaine in the trunk. I’ll tell that story at another time. It’s not the locals suck, it’s that I have high standards and I refuse to settle.

I Am – Yes, they do a background check. Fuck ’em. They don’t deserve me.

PeeWee – You can do whatever you like with that hand (call me).

Meg – When the revolution comes, you can be Poet Laureate. And Dictator of the Secret Police.

PNW – You really should come visit. I think we’d both like that. I’ll show you my chloroform if you show me your basement. We can make beautiful, incomprehensible mutterings together.

Piglet – No time is right, though I am trying to get back to the writing.

Wink – That’s the best compliment I’ve heard all day. And I’ve heard several today. That is my goal in life, to make even the worst things funny. Glad to know it’s working.

Comment by grampa — Wednesday.April.4.2007 @ 11:12 pm


I meant to add that little brown girls are the thing I miss the most about the Navy…

Comment by iamnot — Thursday.April.5.2007 @ 4:56 am


*sigh*

i am getting sick of internet dating

the only problem, is that if i didn’t internet date, i wouldn’t be dating at all at this point!

Comment by whyaskwhyme — Thursday.April.12.2007 @ 4:41 pm


I found exactly what I was looking for on a dating site called richmingle.com. I have tried many dating sites before but got no results. I stopped surfing dating sites for very long time until one of my friends referred this site to me. Never give up! The quality of its profiles is quite high! You never know what will happen! Just try!

Comment by Melinda — Wednesday.September.5.2007 @ 10:17 pm


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