Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 11 7 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Wednesday January 16, 2008 at 8:51 am)

Rule #9:  Never trust a crackhead.

(Originally attributed to Abraham Lincoln immediately following the Gettysburg Address)

Yeah, so I locked my room mate out of the house this morning, cause he’s been AWOL for 60 hours, most likely relapsing and on a meth binge.  He doesn’t have keys to the deadbolts and is not on the lease (I’m no dummy).

Regardless, my landlords are changing all the locks today.

So, after not having a housemate for 2.5 months, I’m looking for a new one, again.

Anyone want to move to Hawaii – Total living expenses: $725/month (rent/electric/cable internet).  You’d get your own room, we’d share the bathroom and the rest of the house.

 I’ve got a 2 seat Nautilus machine, a bench, four bars, eight dumbells and a rowing machine, so you get a free gym membership with agreement to rent.

Also, there’s the avocado tree, the tangerine tree, the lemon tree, the guava bush, the three banana trees and the mountain apple tree.

I’m serious, any takers?  Only thing – no drugs.  Alcohol is optional, but no drugs.

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7 comments for Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 11 »

You don’t know how badly I want to say yes.

Plus, I keep thinking about your huge hands.

Comment by xtx — Wednesday.January.16.2008 @ 9:09 am

Right now I feel like a kid in a candy store with not a penny. Only worse.
You big meanie.

How big ARE your hands?

Comment by One Wink — Wednesday.January.16.2008 @ 12:01 pm

Is it OK if my mom sends you checks?

Comment by once bitten, Yow twice — Wednesday.January.16.2008 @ 12:56 pm

i remember when abe made that rule up.

makes me think of jungle fever movie, scene when crack addict asks his bro for money and he sings a sweet little ditty about robbing old ladies if he doesn’t give him money…

don’t mind me, i just went into my own playroom here on your blog :)

Comment by piglet — Sunday.January.20.2008 @ 7:29 pm

I could be your roommate, but I am bringing my own bush.

Comment by PeeWee — Tuesday.January.22.2008 @ 2:39 pm

Oh, doll, I’m so glad you’re back. I’m sorry it’s not all been smooth sailing, but I. Am. Glad. You’re. Back.

If I could handle the sun, I’d be there in a minute. As is stands, I’m vying for a job in Maine and you’ll just have to settle for my good energy coming to you via wavelenths, and not neccesarily hot sex.


Comment by 123Valerie — Thursday.January.24.2008 @ 6:41 pm

wow that setup sounds so good.

do these rules rate? Or do they need editing:

50 ways that you can work toward building a great society:

1. If you have children, carefully monitor their television time and internet use; know who their friends are; check their homework nightly; provide them with healthy nutritious meals every day; ensure that they get physical activity and that they get enough sleep; spend time with them and engage them in fun wholesome activities. Talk to them and tell them how much you love them often. If you don’t have the time or energy for all this, do not have more children.

2. Don’t scream at, denigrate, or hit children.

3. Be truly honest with yourself and others. (This is not the same as being mean or sarcastic.)

4. Study the issues before voting using a variety of sources. If you don’t have the time to thoroughly understand the issues, don’t vote.

5. If you see someone throw their cigarette butt or other litter on the street, let them know that you don’t appreciate it.

6. If you see someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol in an area that children use (parks, on a train, near shops, etc.), notify the police.

7. Avoid using or buying cars as much as possible. Walk, bicycle, use public transportation, move closer to work, get a job closer to home, etc.

8. Do not contribute to suburban sprawl. Do not engage in new construction; renovate an existing structure instead.

9. Avoid hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, farmed salmon, sodium nitrate. Check ingredients.

10. If you are a parent of school-age children, insist that school administrators remove disruptive children from the classroom. If you are a teacher, insist that school administrators remove disruptive children from your classroom and always fully report and document any violent or abusive behavior engaged in by students.

11. Vote with your pocketbook: If you don’t want to support pedophiles, don’t pay for movies directed by pedophiles. If you don’t want to support child abusers, don’t buy music created by child abusers. If you don’t support prostitution, don’t pay for movies starring someone who uses prostitutes. Ask like-minded people to join you in this effort.

12. Keep your charitable donations in line with your principles. For example, if you believe that men and women should be treated equally in the workplace, you should not give money to an organization that decrees that women may not occupy the top job.

13. Be aware of how your charitable donations are being used, in order to keep the usage of your donations in line with your principles. There are many well-meaning people who have spent many dollars on organizations that purport to help unwed mothers. However, these organizations actually talk these unwed mothers out of getting pre-natal care. And then as soon as the baby is born, the organization will no longer help. Always be very careful about who is pocketing your contributions and exactly every way that the monies are being used.

14. If you believe that a college or university is not providing appropriate stewardship of its students, do not attend classes at that institution, do not send your children to that institution, do not recommend that institution, and think twice about hiring graduates of that institution.

15. If you are a smoker, don’t smoke in the vicinity of non-smokers. If you are a non-smoker, stay far away from someone who is smoking.

16. Lobby your lawmakers and courts to keep violent criminals behind bars while keeping non-violent criminals on house arrest. Lobby for bigger fines for lawbreakers, especially in corruption cases. If your lawmakers and judges will not listen, move to replace judges and/or consider running for local office yourself.

17. Tell your political leaders that you expect them to uphold and enforce the law. (Write letters, protest, get creative on how to send this message.)

18. Vote for those who promise to rid us of the huge deficit and debt. Tell your lawmakers that you are sick and tired of pork and corruption.

19. If you are a patriotic American, buy American goods and services.

20. Stay healthy: Eat nutritious foods, get some exercise, have the occasional physical and dental checkup, remember to take any prescribed medications, avoid dangerous sports, use SPF when outdoors, use condoms if you engage in intercourse, get enough sleep, etc.

21. Ask the brightest and most honest people you know to volunteer for your local Board of Elections. If you are a registered voter, volunteer to staff polling places on election days. (Many companies will allow their employees to take a personal day for this purpose.)

22. If you are married, do not have an affair without first telling your spouse that you are thinking about it. Either be honest about your feelings and give your spouse fair warning, or don’t have the affair.

23. Make your opinions and principles known to others. (This is not the same as giving advice.)

24. Do not press your religious or spiritual beliefs on others, and do not allow anyone to insist on pressing their beliefs on you or your children.

25. Reject materialism. If you have a garage or spare room full of unused stuff, it is time to reassess your spending habits. If your house or car is larger than what you need, downsize.

26. Don’t do anything you’d be embarrassed about if everyone knew that you’d done it.

27. If you are aware of fraud or corruption, report it.

28. Do not have unnecessary surgery. Do not pay for unnecessary surgery for someone else.

29. If you witness someone breaking the law or behaving suspiciously, take the time and effort to report it to the police.

30. Obey your local laws. If there are laws that you don’t agree with, lobby and organize to change them.

31. Do not protect someone you know to be a child molester by keeping it secret.

32. Do not have a child out of wedlock.

33. If you want a child, unless you and your spouse (as well as your extended families) are both in perfect physical, mental, and emotional health, adopt a child that needs a family instead of getting pregnant. The number of orphans is projected to reach 44 million within the next three years.

34. Do not have a child if you are not happy with your life.

35. Do not have a child if you are not completely positive that you and your spouse will remain happily married for the rest of your lives.

36. Do not have a child if you would not happily support that child financially for the rest of your life.

37. Do not have a child if you would not be completely thrilled about it, regardless of the child’s sex.

38. Do not have a child before you are very financially secure.

39. Do not have a child until you have been married for at least a year.

40. Do not have a child until you have either achieved a college degree or have experienced success in your chosen field.

41. Do not have a child if you argue with your spouse about taking care of children or step-children you already have.

42. Do not have a child if you already have a child or step-child with special needs.

43. If you are divorced and have children with your former spouse, do not remarry until the children are adults. If you do not have custody, reside within walking distance of your children’s residence.

44. Do not have children with more than one person.

45. Put your children first. (This is not the same as using your children as an excuse for staying in a bad marriage. Children do not thrive in a loveless or tense environment.)

46. If you are both Christian and for the death penalty, consider this: “’Vengeance is mine’, saith the Lord.”

47. If you are a dad, understand that your daughters need as much quality time with you as your sons do.

48. Don’t lie to children.

49. Don’t help to cover up someone else’s bad behavior or addictions.

50. Forward this email to everyone you know.

Comment by David — Saturday.March.15.2008 @ 9:52 am

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