Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 11 7 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Wednesday January 16, 2008 at 8:51 am)

Rule #9:  Never trust a crackhead.

(Originally attributed to Abraham Lincoln immediately following the Gettysburg Address)

Yeah, so I locked my room mate out of the house this morning, cause he’s been AWOL for 60 hours, most likely relapsing and on a meth binge.  He doesn’t have keys to the deadbolts and is not on the lease (I’m no dummy).

Regardless, my landlords are changing all the locks today.

So, after not having a housemate for 2.5 months, I’m looking for a new one, again.

Anyone want to move to Hawaii – Total living expenses: $725/month (rent/electric/cable internet).  You’d get your own room, we’d share the bathroom and the rest of the house.

 I’ve got a 2 seat Nautilus machine, a bench, four bars, eight dumbells and a rowing machine, so you get a free gym membership with agreement to rent.

Also, there’s the avocado tree, the tangerine tree, the lemon tree, the guava bush, the three banana trees and the mountain apple tree.

I’m serious, any takers?  Only thing – no drugs.  Alcohol is optional, but no drugs.

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If You Want To Make God Laugh, Make Plans 13 comments

Posted by grampa in the real shit,why I love my job (Saturday January 12, 2008 at 12:26 am)

Yeah, so I had recently drawn up, literally, on paper, what I needed to get done in the next two years that I figured I had at my current job.

God is now laughing.

Apparently, I’m being downsized.  I mean, I got at least a half a year, maybe nine months, possibly  a year, but after that, it’s pau.

Now there are many possible opportunities for me to take out here and I’m looking at this as a growing experience, but, man, today was a tough day.  I really, really wanted a bottle of bourbon.  But I knew that wouldn’t solve anything.

Fortunately, I know a lot of influential people on this island, and this entire culture is about who you know, and I know all the right ones, so SOMETHING will happen.  I might not like it, but something will certainly happen.

What I do know, for the time being, is that I’m going to do anything and everything I can to keep the lights on, food in the fridge and gas in my car.  If I can do all those things, then I’m staying put here in Hawaii.  However, contingency exit strategies are also being considered.

However, to be completely honest, I’m quite terrified of moving back to the mainland.  I’ve never been able to be clean and sober there.  The best years of my life have been here, on this island, with the friends I’ve made here.

I was talking with my Dad tonight and he said, “Kevin, when I put you on that plane in State College, I never thought that I was going to see you alive again.”

Well, papa, I’m not only alive, but thriving.

I’ve managed to crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side.  I’m still standing on my own two feet, I’m in the best shape of my life, I’m completely healthy, My brain still works, I have an incredible skill set and I’m clean.  I know everything is going to be just fine.

Maybe not like I planned, but one door closes, blah blah blah.

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A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To The Semi-Consciousness 0 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Friday January 11, 2008 at 6:47 am)

Yeah, so, I’m in a complete, total, undrugged but dead sleep when my alarm starts going off.  I’m lying there thinking, surely it can’t be six already, right? 


I look over at the clock, it reads 4:00 a.m. Cool, I’m thinking I got another two hours after I stumble into the bathroom and take a piss.

Then, I hear the rooster crow across the street (no shit).  So, bloodshot and bleary, I stumble into the kitchen where all the clocks say 6:00 a.m.  I go back into my room, look at my clock: 4:05.  I look at when the alarm is set to go off: 6:00.

I feel fairly certain that the underpants gnomes have been up to their old tricks again.

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The Horror 6 comments

Posted by grampa in health,the real shit (Thursday January 10, 2008 at 3:03 pm)

I’m currently detoxing from sleep meds, after nearly fourteen months of continuous use.  I had to start taking them when I was on the interferon, but I figured that it was time to get off.

I’m still able to work, but part of this feeling is similar to that of heroin withdrawal - you get the whole body shakes, the hot/cold flashes, the multiple sneezes/runny nose, the general lethargy and I’m restless, irritable and discontent. The only thing really missing is the aching bones and constant diarrhea.

I’m able to work and live, but just feel generally like shit  But I’ve been much, much worse.  I also know that it won’t last very long.  The hardest part – is not drinking coffee after noon to “try and develop healthy sleep habits.” 

Yeah, we’ll see how long that fuck’n lasts.  The first day I can’t drag my sorry ass to the gym after work, that shit’s out the window.

The sickest part of the whole experience – it’s like a familiar misery.  I remember this feeling from jonesing for dope.  It brings back memories, some good, others quite tragic.  It’s like hooking up with an old girlfriend who is a fantastic fuck but every waking moment with the bitch is pure hell.

But, I made four years clean and sober on December 12th, so that’s something.

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No Country For Old Men 2 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Wednesday January 9, 2008 at 12:55 pm)

Yeah, so I went and saw the new Coen brothers’ (who I love) movie last night.  All I can say is, “Wow!”

A couple of things, though, this movie is not for the squeamish and it has an abrupt ending.

However, it was one of those movies that I totally love – a true tragedy, but without the catharsis – it ends with no resolution and you’re left with just a feeling of hollowness, or maybe awe.

Definitely a must see.  I might go see it again.

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Oh The Places You’ll (Never) Go 0 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Tuesday January 8, 2008 at 2:04 pm)

I know it’s early, but I’m voting for St. Louis as 2008’s lamest city of the year.

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The Great Hunt 2 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Monday January 7, 2008 at 11:53 pm)

One day I will meet my equal in a mate and we will be great. Fey and terrible to behold.  The fires of our passions will consume those of the mere mortals, and yet our compassions will buoy the world.

Let the theme of 2008 be The Hunt Begins.

Oh, it is so on, bitches.

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Calling MadMartigan 0 comments

Posted by grampa in the real shit (Monday January 7, 2008 at 11:42 pm)

Dude, if you still read this, check in, will ya?  People are starting to worry and, though I’m sure you’re probably okay, please give me a yell.

Don’t make me come to Maui and find you with Ringo, that drunk, gay doctor, who’s farm you’re working on.  It’s like you’ve disappeared and “Well, that seems to be the situation. But I don’t want that. And you don’t want that. And Ringo here *definitely* doesn’t want that.”

Call me, fucker.

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