Attachments 6 comments

Posted by grampa in the real shit (Thursday January 31, 2008 at 5:54 pm)

In the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, I’ve learned many things.  One of them is that you can’t force change on other people, though I knew this myself, cause no one can force it on me.

But you can help other people.  Like Range, my sponsor, he’s sponsored probably at least 50 guys in this program in the eight years he’s been clean.  Until I came along, every single one of his sponsees relapsed before making one year clean.

He likes to tell people that I broke his perfect streak of failure.  But he never stopped trying, always making himself available, trying to help the newcomer.   He taught me that we try to help other people, we make the effort to help them help themselves, but if they don’t do the footwork, we can’t carry them.  We carry the message, not the addict.

So, he always cautioned me against getting attached to the results of the people I now sponsor.  That I should just make myself available, and try to guide them along the path.  And every sponsee that I’ve ever had, has relapsed before he’s had one year clean. 

At first, it was kind of difficult, because I had formed an attachment where I shouldn’t have.  I should have only been concerned about the effort, my effort, and not someone else’s results.  It’s much less painless that way if they choose to go back out into the storm.

This is the same guy that tells me that “expectations are merely pre-meditated resentments.”

But, tonight, my sponsee makes one year clean.  And while I’ve been careful about not becoming too attached, I am very happy for him, and for me, because I get more out this process than anybody I’ve ever helped, though they’d never believe it.

And I’m still not smoking.

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Don’t Call It A Comeback 10 comments

Posted by grampa in health (Wednesday January 30, 2008 at 12:27 pm)

Yeah, so I haven’t had a shred of nicotine for 48 hours.

And everyone is still alive. 

I don’t even miss it, really.  I’m on that new medication Chantix, you take if for two weeks, then you stop smoking.  Well, for me, by like the fourth day I had already cut my consumption in half.  By the end of the two weeks, it was like I had to remind myself to smoke – like after a big meal or a heavy workout – times I’d usually be dying for a cigarette. 

Then I got real sick at the end of last week and it was just too much effort to haul my ass off the couch to go outside and smoke.   I had one or two each day and I thought that I was out Sunday night.  I found three cigarettes Monday morning and smoked all three of them on the way to work and that was that. 

I don’t really feel any withdrawals or anything.

Even being stuck in traffic this morning, I wasn’t swearing at anyone.  It’s pretty fuck’n amazing.

Bad side, it costs about $120 a month and isn’t covered by health insurance.  Good side, you only need to take it from three to six months.  Considering the costs of smoking these days, cheap by comparisson.

And, after beating that whole liver disease thing, it would really suck to die from something like smoking cigarettes.  I mean, shit, after all the things I’ve done to this body, cigarettes?  I don’t fuck’n think so.

I’ll keep you posted.

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Enjoy Your Vacation Douchebags 3 comments

Posted by grampa in health,I am full of love (Tuesday January 29, 2008 at 7:06 am)

It’s been rainy, and down right cold here, cold for here, for days.  I swear, it’s rained 4 out of the last five days, and when I say rained, I mean like non-fuck’n stop.  And it’s been in the 50s during the day and going down into the 40s at night.

And before you pussies with your swanky east coast lives start sayin’ that’s nothing, well, consider this, you’re sick as fuck, can’t get warm and there isn’t any heating source in your house.

Still, I think I sweated out the cold last night night, either that or I had a bucket load sized wet dream, but the Thera-flu, Nyquil and Ambien combo really worked.  Heath Ledger was a pussy.

Alright that last one was a cheap shot, but, really, you want to combine all this shit together, then you’d better at least do the research, as discussed in the last post.

Have a great day.

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Oh Yeah, Now I Remember 3 comments

Posted by grampa in health (Monday January 28, 2008 at 7:41 pm)

Yeah, so I’m still sick as hell and in the comments on the last post someone suggested Thera-flu.  And, I’ll admit, I kinda forgot about Thera-flu but I used to swear by it.

In fact, there was this one New Year’s Eve when I had a fever of 102 and I refused to stay in (honestly, I think it had to do with the fact that I had a whole lot of drugs to sell and really needed to capitalize on the stupidity of most New Year’s Eve-ers), so I was chugging the Thera-flu, with a line or two of cocaine in there, you know, to steady the nerves.

Anyway, I didn’t really drink much on New Year’s, because, let’s face it, if you’re driving from one party to another with a car full of drugs, you should probably be able to pass a breath-a-lyzer (I mean, from just the probable cause stand point, right?). 

The other reason I didn’t drink much on that particular night of the year, was that there’s just too many amateur drunks on the road and if you’re already on six hits of acid, some Thera-flu and a line or two, then you really need to stay sharp to watch out for those other fuckers who don’t know what they’re doing.

So, by the end of the night, I finally reached a stopping point and I was able to drink without worry, so I was mixing rum and Thera.  Now this isn’t something I suggest, unless you have an advanced degree in human pharmacology, which, fortunately, I have.

But that’s not the reason I started to write this, the real reason is why I stopped drinking Thera-flu.  It’s because it was one of the things that I used to detox from heroin (again, people, don’t try this shit at home), several of the too, too many times that I had to do it on my own.  Now, this isn’t what they’d give you in a detox - but a triple mug of Thera, a dozen benadryl and half a bottle of Pepto will buy you about four hours of peace. 

And that’s not half bad, considering.

But, after having stuck myself together through work today with Superglu, band aids, and an Alka Seltzer cold plus every two hours, I figured I needed to get the big guns if I was gonna make it through tomorrow.

The old familiar warmth is comin’ on now, and, with it, another old pang or two of something not quite like nostalgia, because nostalgia is a rememberance of a happy time.  This is more like the phantom pain of a lost limb.

But, hey, at least my nose has finally stopped fuck’n runnin’.


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Fuck You, External 10 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Sunday January 27, 2008 at 9:31 am)

I hate flu shots.  Yeah, I got mine on Friday, I think about 2 days too late. 

Yesterday disappeared in a Nyquil and Alka Seltzer Cold Plus haze, my back feels like shit cause I slept like 30 hours on an uncomfortable couch, I’m outta Nyquil, it’s been raining for the last 30 hours and I hate you all.

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How’d You Find Me, Fucknuts? 13 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Wednesday January 23, 2008 at 9:23 am)

Because I’m slammin’ busy today at work, and I’ve vowed to write more, I’m stealing a post from Will over at Be the Boy. 

The post being:

Who are you and how did you stumble into Grampa’s House?

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Am I Wrong Here? 8 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Tuesday January 22, 2008 at 12:51 pm)

‘Cause the first thing that I thought of when I heard that Heath Ledger had joined the River Phoenix club, was “Man, I sure hope they finished shooting the new Batman movie.”

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Baby, I’m An Anarchist 1 comments

Posted by grampa in history lesson,I am full of love,the real shit (Monday January 21, 2008 at 8:34 pm)

You know, I’ve worn many hats in my day, from Generalissimo/Head Librarian, Lysergic Terrorist, Walking Frenzy, Drug Dealer, Felon, to, most recently, Respected Member of the Community (I know, this one’s a little hard to swallow).

You see, I became a community activist for a short while these last few months.  The gym I go to is run by the YMCA and, two weeks before Thanksgiving, they announced that there was going to be a member’s meeting the next day and that they were going to close the following Monday.

So, naturally, acting as I always do – on pure, unrivaled self interest – I dusted off my old Rabble Rouser hat and set to uniting the community to rise up against the YMCA and save my their gym.  So I, along with a few other Rousers, gathered together about sixty people for the meeting.

Knowing the value of propaganda, due to (a) a love of Goebbels and (b) a love of (the Rubberneck), I made sure that all the island papers new about and were at the meeting.

The Y was totally unprepared for the turnout (they didn’t even have enough chairs set up – not even close) and they were awed by the level of hostility of the townsfolk towards the YMCA for closing the gym.

They made some promises, we set up committees, had membership drives, got lots of people to donate time and money and I was actually nice to most of these people most of the time (I said MOST), and the Y agreed to keep the place open for a few more months and then move it into another building that they owned and continue to operate the center.

Great, problem solved!

Until yesterday, when there was another member’s meeting and they said that unless the community can come up with $90,000.00 in a week, they’re shuttin’ the fucker down.

Now, the YMCA on this island has a history of corruption going back more than a decade.  A million dollars was donated for a swimming pool back in the 90s and that money has mysteriously disappeared.  Shit like that, ad nauseam.

Anyway, I saw the Executive Director of the Y today while I was working out.  I said, “So that’s it, huh, you’ve just been blowing smoke up our asses for the last two months?”

She said, “Well, unless the town comes up with a miracle, yeah, then that’s it.”

To which I replied, “Honey, this town has given the YMCA more miracles than it deserves and you’ve fucked up every single one of them.  Don’t be lookin’ for us to bail you out again.”

Next time I start feeling some kind of community spirit,  I’m just gonna get back to my roots and throw a brick through a Starbucks window.

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Red, White And Black 4 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Sunday January 20, 2008 at 10:41 pm)

I’ve decided that, since the untimely deaths of Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor and Sam Kinison and the dearth of new material from George Carlin, that Lewis Black is my current favorite living comedian.

That is all.

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A God Of Our Understanding 4 comments

Posted by grampa in the real shit (Saturday January 19, 2008 at 10:22 pm)

As you know, or if you don’t, I’m in recovery (since December 12, 2003).  In those 12 step meetings that word “God” comes up a lot. 

Being a cynical agnostic at best, atheist at worst, and a student of ancient religions, I dislike that word more than any other.

In fact, I let it drive me out of recovery the first time, and I damn near died.

The second time I tried to get clean, at the second meeting that I went to, the subject happpened to be “A God of Our Understanding” 

At the meeting, this 6’3” Hawaiian guy with a huge afro, a former atheist with five years clean, starts talking about how this subject really bothered him when he first got clean, how it drove him out of the rooms the first time, and how he came to accept a certain spirituality that has nothing to do with organized religion.

“So,” he said, “now, when I say God, I use that term because it’s a one syllable word, which is easy to pronounce, and everybody usually knows what I’m talking about.”

He’s now my best friend.  I call him King Tonga.

(Edited to add the following):

Now that my dear friend Darren has decided to join me in recovery, and he also has problems with the God thing, I explained to him my concept of God.

I said, “Darren, when I think of God, I basically think of Sam Kinison, not his whole body, just a gigantic Kinison-head, which fills 3/4 of the sky, and is alternatively laughing or screaming, depending on my mood.”

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