Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 8 5 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Wednesday April 4, 2007 at 10:50 pm)

(Taken from one of the twelve step programs.  I think it’s No-Ass Havers anonymous, but I’m not really sure.)

Rule # 235:  You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.

Right, so people may wonder why I tell people who I’ve hardly met before, like first dates, people I meet at the gym and have known for five minutes, complete strangers at the coffee shop (“oh what did you do before you were a paralegal?” – “Well, I was a criminal.”) about the details of my past.

Well, I certainly don’t do it out of some Platonic Ideal of the truth with a capital “T”, that’s for fuck’n sure.  I do it, simply, out of short-term, stupid self interest.

I do it because I have to own that shit, like, daily. 

You see, I have no shame about my past.  What I do have is a lot of fear about what will happen if I let that shit take over my life again.  So, I need to remain humble and just own my mistakes.

Sure, I scare away a lot of girls this way.  Yeah, there are people that don’t invite me to Christmas parties anymore, and I’ve lost a few friends over it, too.

But, you know what?  Fuck ’em.

Because there is a part of my brain that cares what people think.  Unfortunately, this is the part of my brain that wants me to get loaded and die, too.  The other part of my brain wants me to stay alive and, to do so, I need to remind myself, often, about the flaws of my character.

Besides, if I scare some people away, I really didn’t want those pussies in my life anyway.  If they can’t accept me as I am, after it took so very long for me to be happy with myself, then they can throw their sorry asses under a bus for all I care.

You’re either on the bus, or you’re under it, bitches.

I be over here with my seemingly boring life, happy as all hell and cheering as the bus sheers off your legs.

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