A Word on Internet Dating 11 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Tuesday April 3, 2007 at 12:10 am)

That’s right, fucktards, I’ve entered the world of internet dating.

What?  What’s a guy to do?  This island is full of crackheads, losers, and chicks with, like, thirteen kids before they’re twenty years old.

And I’m just talking about my friends. 

But, I have to say something about one internet site in particular:

Dear True.com:

Fuck you, you slimy cock bitch bag of cockmunchers.

Yours truly,
The Lord Protector of Madagascar.

You see, they won’t let me on their site.  It was the one that I really wanted to be on, too.  There are like four little brown girls on their site, THAT LIVE IN MY TOWN (which, incidentally, has only about 1200 people and is the teen pregnancy and crackhead capital of the North side of the island), that have college educations and no fucking children.

So, I’m all ready to join and these self-righteous ass monkeys won’t let me on.  Why, you may ask?  Because they won’t let felons on their site. 

That’s right.  I know this may come as a shock to some of you, that an articulate and caring man such as myself may be a criminal.  Say it isn’t so.

I know.  It’s shocking.  It truly is. 

You see, back in 2002 I took a felony charge for possession with intent to deliver 2 pounds of marijuana.  I didn’t roll on my guys, so I took a felony hit.  It was the only time I had ever been arrested, charged or convicted of ANYTHING, except for traffic citations.  And now these donkey punching, ferret fisting whores at TRUE tell me that I can’t be let into the Garden Of Little Brown Girl Delights because I’m a ex-pot dealer? 

Fuck, man, I did my time and I’ve been clean for nearly three and a half years.

These fuckers made me feel like I was a sex offender or something.  I mean, sure, I’m a little sexual deviant, but I’ve never took a collar for it or copped to it.

Granted, I like tying girls to the bed as much as the next guy that shops at ExtremeRestraints but I’ve never chloroformed anybody and locked them in my basement. 

And, I tell every girl, every single one, on the first date, about all of it.  Aren’t these people old enough to make up their minds themselves?  And don’t the judgmental pricks at True think that people can ever change?  How long do I have to carry this shit around?

I mean, shit, I don’t even have a basement.

View 11 comments