Setbacks 8 comments

Posted by grampa in health (Wednesday April 11, 2007 at 3:05 pm)

I really, really had wanted to post every day this month, but setbacks can and do happen.  Take my exercise program, for one.  I’m now the proud owner a huge swollen purple penis foot.

I’d like to be able to tell you that it happened saving some little brown girl from a semi barreling down upon her in traffic (which, incidentally, is what I’m telling other little brown girls that ask), but that would be a lie.

You see, I slipped getting out of the shower the other day and man, did I fuck things up.  It’s hideous.  The doctor says it’s going to take weeks for it to stop hurting and get back to normal.

I’ve managed to convince myself that I can get back to the gym next week (okay, so I realize the stairmaster and the elliptical may be out, but the bike, surely the bike, must be okay on the ankle.  Right?  Right.).  I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m with Erin, though.  This showering thing?  For the fuck’n birds.

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The Ghost Of Nineties Past 18 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Sunday April 8, 2007 at 11:05 pm)

Right, so the Dear Sweet Wook has discovered a picture of me from back in the mid 90s and he has used it to salute me as one of the men that he loves.  You can see me in all my acid laced madness here.

I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.

Here is a recent picture of me and my cousin at his birthday last weekend.

I told the girl that was doing the face painting to make me look like Gene Simmons on acid.  I guess something got lost in translation there.

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My Sweet Lord 4 comments

Posted by grampa in history lesson,I am full of love (Saturday April 7, 2007 at 11:57 pm)

Okay, so I was going to write a spectacular diatribe about Good Friday and Easter, but I’ve had food poisoning for the last day and change, so I couldn’t pull my head out of the toilet for long enough to do so.

However, there is always tomorrow.

See, in the Christian view of things, that Jew dude, I think his name was Jesus (Hey-Seuss),  has been nailed to a piece of wood, stabbed with a spear and has kicked it (or been kicked, depending on which side of the spear you’re on).

As the story goes, Hey-Seuss will rise from the dead tomorrow, because of the massive sugar rush resulting from the consumption of his own body weight in grape Starburst Jelly Beans. 

And Peeps, lots of Peeps.

And, as we all know, I hate to kick a man when he is down.  So, I’ll wait until tomorrow to kick that sorry ass peep eater. 

Pussy.

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Just Do It, Or I’ll Send You A Bunch Of Chain Letters 1 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love,random shit (Friday April 6, 2007 at 8:39 am)

My friend Erin who writes Out of Character is up for the funniest blog this year at the best of blogs.  Please go vote for her here.

 You’ll be glad you did.  I’ll be back later this evening with a word on Good Friday.

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Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 9 3 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Thursday April 5, 2007 at 2:09 pm)

(Said by Martin Luther King, Jr. to the Rev. Al Sharpton right before he was shot.)

Rule 421: Never trust the chinless.

That’s right, people with no chins are shifty, unreliable and, in my humble opinion, kinda freaky.

Though, I did know one chinless girl, the one that I used this pick up line on, that gave the best blowjobs on Earth.  Something about the lack of a chin and her facial structure just gave her the most excellent suction.  She was like the Hoover Dick-Suck 3000.

Still, she was shifty as all hell.

But those were some excellent chicken wings blowjobs.

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Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules For Living, Vol. 8 5 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Wednesday April 4, 2007 at 10:50 pm)

(Taken from one of the twelve step programs.  I think it’s No-Ass Havers anonymous, but I’m not really sure.)

Rule # 235:  You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.

Right, so people may wonder why I tell people who I’ve hardly met before, like first dates, people I meet at the gym and have known for five minutes, complete strangers at the coffee shop (“oh what did you do before you were a paralegal?” – “Well, I was a criminal.”) about the details of my past.

Well, I certainly don’t do it out of some Platonic Ideal of the truth with a capital “T”, that’s for fuck’n sure.  I do it, simply, out of short-term, stupid self interest.

I do it because I have to own that shit, like, daily. 

You see, I have no shame about my past.  What I do have is a lot of fear about what will happen if I let that shit take over my life again.  So, I need to remain humble and just own my mistakes.

Sure, I scare away a lot of girls this way.  Yeah, there are people that don’t invite me to Christmas parties anymore, and I’ve lost a few friends over it, too.

But, you know what?  Fuck ’em.

Because there is a part of my brain that cares what people think.  Unfortunately, this is the part of my brain that wants me to get loaded and die, too.  The other part of my brain wants me to stay alive and, to do so, I need to remind myself, often, about the flaws of my character.

Besides, if I scare some people away, I really didn’t want those pussies in my life anyway.  If they can’t accept me as I am, after it took so very long for me to be happy with myself, then they can throw their sorry asses under a bus for all I care.

You’re either on the bus, or you’re under it, bitches.

I be over here with my seemingly boring life, happy as all hell and cheering as the bus sheers off your legs.

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A Word on Internet Dating 11 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Tuesday April 3, 2007 at 12:10 am)

That’s right, fucktards, I’ve entered the world of internet dating.

What?  What’s a guy to do?  This island is full of crackheads, losers, and chicks with, like, thirteen kids before they’re twenty years old.

And I’m just talking about my friends. 

But, I have to say something about one internet site in particular:

Dear True.com:

Fuck you, you slimy cock bitch bag of cockmunchers.

Yours truly,
The Lord Protector of Madagascar.

You see, they won’t let me on their site.  It was the one that I really wanted to be on, too.  There are like four little brown girls on their site, THAT LIVE IN MY TOWN (which, incidentally, has only about 1200 people and is the teen pregnancy and crackhead capital of the North side of the island), that have college educations and no fucking children.

So, I’m all ready to join and these self-righteous ass monkeys won’t let me on.  Why, you may ask?  Because they won’t let felons on their site. 

That’s right.  I know this may come as a shock to some of you, that an articulate and caring man such as myself may be a criminal.  Say it isn’t so.

I know.  It’s shocking.  It truly is. 

You see, back in 2002 I took a felony charge for possession with intent to deliver 2 pounds of marijuana.  I didn’t roll on my guys, so I took a felony hit.  It was the only time I had ever been arrested, charged or convicted of ANYTHING, except for traffic citations.  And now these donkey punching, ferret fisting whores at TRUE tell me that I can’t be let into the Garden Of Little Brown Girl Delights because I’m a ex-pot dealer? 

Fuck, man, I did my time and I’ve been clean for nearly three and a half years.

These fuckers made me feel like I was a sex offender or something.  I mean, sure, I’m a little sexual deviant, but I’ve never took a collar for it or copped to it.

Granted, I like tying girls to the bed as much as the next guy that shops at ExtremeRestraints but I’ve never chloroformed anybody and locked them in my basement. 

And, I tell every girl, every single one, on the first date, about all of it.  Aren’t these people old enough to make up their minds themselves?  And don’t the judgmental pricks at True think that people can ever change?  How long do I have to carry this shit around?

I mean, shit, I don’t even have a basement.

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There’s So Many Possibilities For This To All End Badly, It’s Almost Guaranteed 5 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love,random shit (Monday April 2, 2007 at 9:04 am)

You know what is really starting to piss me off?

Women who claim to like spontaneity and then complain when everything about a spontaneous event isn’t fuck’n perfect.

Don’t these bitches have any idea of how much planning and effort we go through to create the illusion of a “spontaneous” event just so their dumb asses can be happy?  I mean, if you’re going to have a real spontaneous event, then you’ve got to realize that sometimes shit just ain’t gonna be perfect.

You can’t have it both ways, ladies.  So suck it the fuck up.

I’ll have more to say about this later, but for now, Discuss.

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Two Words 3 comments

Posted by grampa in random shit (Sunday April 1, 2007 at 11:21 pm)

Okay, so if you’re like one of the three people in the United States that hasn’t seen the movie 300 yet, then get off your stoned fuck’n ass and get to the theater.

I’ve seen it twice now, and there are only two words that are needed to describe it:

Gloriously Violent.

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