Suck it, Mainlanders 14 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 10:34 pm)

Monday, June 12, 2006

Today is King Kamehameha Day. This is by far my mostest favorite of all the holidays.

You may ask: “Why, Grampa, are you Hawaiian?”

Grampa: “Fuck no, I’m as haole as they come. When I’m at the beach, I’ve been known to blind people with my paleness.”

You: “Well, why does this holiday mean so much to you?”

Grampa: “It’s all about the story my boy. Let us explore the history of this most illustrious holiday together, shall we?”

Kamehameha was born sometime around in the mid-1700s on the big island of Hawaii. He was a large brown man. Back then, in the islands, the larger you were, the better. This meant that you were able to club more people over the head. If you were large enough (and good enough at clubbing others) you were made the chief.

It was sometime around this point that Captain Cook “discovered” Hawaii. He sailed the islands, charted them, landed to take on water and was clubbed to death by a large brown man.

But, his ships got away and made it back to England and now the Hawaiian islands were on the English charts. This would, naturally, lead to the fucking up of the islands, just like the rest of the world, as the British were wont to do.

So, after much clubbing, Kamehameha used his position as chief to unite the island of Hawaii under his rule sometime around 1790.

It was at this point, like any power mad King who had run out of people to fight, that he began to look for more people to club. Kamehameha decided to unite all of the Hawaiian islands. To do this, he decided that he needed some of the big far throwing clubs that the English had introduced during their aforementioned fucking up of the islands.

Now, Hawaii didn’t have any gold or anything like that. However, then, as now, Europe had a limitless demand for tropical hardwoods and Hawaii was chocked full of them fuckers. King Kamehameha worked out a deal whereby he would sell hardwoods to the English and they would give him cannon (and rum and smallpox and mosquitos). Kamehameha set his people to the deforestation of the sandalwood trees. They were forced to cut trees and neglect their crops. Many starved. Kamehameha got some boom sticks.

Kamehameha used these cannons and whatnot to finally unify the islands sometime around 1810.

He later died.

The unification of Hawaii under King Kamehameha paved the way for the United States to overthrow the Hawaiian monarchy and annex the Hawaiian islands in 1898. His unification ultimately made this easier to do, ‘cause we only had to whack a few people instead of a whole lot.

Yay, King Kam. Right on.

Now, what about this little history lesson would make me like this holiday more than any other? Well, basically, it’s ’cause I have today off and you mainlanders don’t.

So suck it.

(Note – If this description of events has offended any of you, well, get over it. As my friend likes to say, “It’s better to give a resentment than to get one.” Go ahead and hate me if it will make you feel better.)

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Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Volume 1 7 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 8:52 pm)

If you plan to drive 60 miles (one-way) on a two lane road, meet with any administrative body (particularly one comprised entirely of recovering addicts), go to Wal-Mart, or CostCo, or, essentially, leave your cave and interact with any other human being on the planet, bear this in mind:

Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Rule #1:

People are stupid. Please plan accordingly.

And by plan accordingly, I mean have absolutely no expectations about the length of time it may take to drive anywhere. Ever. Or, to think that just because someone has an expensive car they have any concept of how to drive that fucker. Do not assume that people know how to merge. Realize that most people (especially an administrative body comprised entirely of recovering addicts) just like to hear themselves talk. And will do so. At length. Do not assume that anything fruitful will be said. Ever. Finally, do not fail to underestimate the stupidity of cashiers.

Or neighbors, for that matter.

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I hate you all, I should have killed you all 9 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 4:33 pm)

So I have this neighbor and I’m having a really hard time trying to be neighborly with this cocksucker. At 6:55 this morning he started weed whacking his yard. Now, I was up at 5:30, but I was quietly sitting at my computer drinking some coffee, hacking up a half a lung so I could make room for a smoke and fondling myself when this bastard starts whacking the lawn.

What the fuck? Doesn’t anyone go to church anymore? I used to be able to count on these lame ass mutherfuckers to be in church in the early morning hours of Sunday and I didn’t have to worry about them annoying me until later in the day.

To wit: This same neighbor has a karaoke machine that he sometimes busts out, sets up in his yard (under a tent) and invites his friends over to aurally assault mankind. So, I get back from a long and trying morning only to discover that the newly weed whacked lawn is now full of drunk people singing karaoke.

The worst thing, this neighbor, apparently the only song he knows is My Way. Every twenty minutes since I’ve been back he’s belted that fucker out.  Badly, I might add. He’s in the middle of his seventh mind numbing rendition as we speak.

The ground is littered with dead birds who obviously couldn’t take the strain.

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