Goodbye, Old Friend 13 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Thursday June 15, 2006 at 9:00 am)

“You’ll be baaaack….” 

Today, for like the fourth time this year, I have quit smoking.  Again.  Sorry, Will.  I’ve been really good lately, going weeks and weeks and sometimes months without a smoke.  Then something, usually work-related stress (or some other cop-out that I use to justify my need for delicious, glorious smoke), occurs and I buy a pack.  I usually smoke one on the way to work, one on the way home and that’s it.  After a week or so, I stop again and everything is good.  That is until the siren song of Parliament-y goodness calls me back upon the rocks, just one more time.  This last time, though, I was on an accelerated decline and after two weeks I was back up to a pack a day.

I know what I’m doing, I can quit whenever I want.

So, today I’m quitting.  I figure with the boss being on vacation, I have two weeks of no real excuse not to quit.  Wish me luck

The only reason I tell you about this failure upon which I am about to embark is that I don’t want you to be alarmed.  I realize that my posts of the last few days have been optimistic, full of love and even, to some degree, saccharine.  I just wanted to let my dear readers know that, in the coming days, a hint of bitterness, nay, even anger, might creep in to my erstwhile happy demeanor.  Do not panic.  This will pass and, soon, I will be back to my normal, amiable self.

Til then, as representatives of the external, I hope you all die in a fiery crash.

I’ll be the one standing there huffing your smoke as you burn.

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Tell Indy I’ll Need My Hat Back 6 comments

Posted by grampa in why I love my job (Wednesday June 14, 2006 at 7:55 am)

Let me preface this by saying that I love my boss.  Not only is he my boss, he is also my uncle.  He brought me to Hawaii and took a chance on me when no sane person reasonably should have.  I was strung out when I got here, yet he let me live with his family and gave me a job even as I was going through withdrawal.

I will be repaying his kindness by helping others for the rest of my life.  Needless to say, if his children need anything, ever, all they have to do is call me.  If it came to that, I would slash my way through the rainforest of Borneo and roach a whole tribe of headhunters.

That being said, my boss is insane.  Hey, remember that thing about no sane person? Yeah, you get the good with the bad. 

The workings of a law office are often frenzied and intense, particularly a small one with only a few employees.  In essence, we are victims of our own success.  We have gotten so good at our jobs that our boss has developed unrealistic expectations about the amount of work five other people can get done.  This is never as evident as before the boss goes on vacation.  He tries to get two weeks worth of work done in three days before he leaves.  In the case of yesterday, the five hours before he goes.

Yesterday morning we had a staff meeting wherein we covered what needed to get done before he left (at 1:30 pm) for the airport.  We also covered what needed to get done while he was gone. By noon I was working feverishly to finish this project which “has to be done before I leave.”  It led to this exchange:

Boss: “What are you working on?”

Grampa: “The witness outlines you said needed to be done before you left.”

Boss: “Oh, that’s not important.  I’ve got something else for you to do.”

Grampa: “What do you need?”

Boss: “A Reuben sandwich, on whole grain, toasted not grilled, with lettuce and tomato….and a cookie.”

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Suck it, Mainlanders 14 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 10:34 pm)

Monday, June 12, 2006

Today is King Kamehameha Day. This is by far my mostest favorite of all the holidays.

You may ask: “Why, Grampa, are you Hawaiian?”

Grampa: “Fuck no, I’m as haole as they come. When I’m at the beach, I’ve been known to blind people with my paleness.”

You: “Well, why does this holiday mean so much to you?”

Grampa: “It’s all about the story my boy. Let us explore the history of this most illustrious holiday together, shall we?”

Kamehameha was born sometime around in the mid-1700s on the big island of Hawaii. He was a large brown man. Back then, in the islands, the larger you were, the better. This meant that you were able to club more people over the head. If you were large enough (and good enough at clubbing others) you were made the chief.

It was sometime around this point that Captain Cook “discovered” Hawaii. He sailed the islands, charted them, landed to take on water and was clubbed to death by a large brown man.

But, his ships got away and made it back to England and now the Hawaiian islands were on the English charts. This would, naturally, lead to the fucking up of the islands, just like the rest of the world, as the British were wont to do.

So, after much clubbing, Kamehameha used his position as chief to unite the island of Hawaii under his rule sometime around 1790.

It was at this point, like any power mad King who had run out of people to fight, that he began to look for more people to club. Kamehameha decided to unite all of the Hawaiian islands. To do this, he decided that he needed some of the big far throwing clubs that the English had introduced during their aforementioned fucking up of the islands.

Now, Hawaii didn’t have any gold or anything like that. However, then, as now, Europe had a limitless demand for tropical hardwoods and Hawaii was chocked full of them fuckers. King Kamehameha worked out a deal whereby he would sell hardwoods to the English and they would give him cannon (and rum and smallpox and mosquitos). Kamehameha set his people to the deforestation of the sandalwood trees. They were forced to cut trees and neglect their crops. Many starved. Kamehameha got some boom sticks.

Kamehameha used these cannons and whatnot to finally unify the islands sometime around 1810.

He later died.

The unification of Hawaii under King Kamehameha paved the way for the United States to overthrow the Hawaiian monarchy and annex the Hawaiian islands in 1898. His unification ultimately made this easier to do, ‘cause we only had to whack a few people instead of a whole lot.

Yay, King Kam. Right on.

Now, what about this little history lesson would make me like this holiday more than any other? Well, basically, it’s ’cause I have today off and you mainlanders don’t.

So suck it.

(Note – If this description of events has offended any of you, well, get over it. As my friend likes to say, “It’s better to give a resentment than to get one.” Go ahead and hate me if it will make you feel better.)

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Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Volume 1 7 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 8:52 pm)

If you plan to drive 60 miles (one-way) on a two lane road, meet with any administrative body (particularly one comprised entirely of recovering addicts), go to Wal-Mart, or CostCo, or, essentially, leave your cave and interact with any other human being on the planet, bear this in mind:

Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Rule #1:

People are stupid. Please plan accordingly.

And by plan accordingly, I mean have absolutely no expectations about the length of time it may take to drive anywhere. Ever. Or, to think that just because someone has an expensive car they have any concept of how to drive that fucker. Do not assume that people know how to merge. Realize that most people (especially an administrative body comprised entirely of recovering addicts) just like to hear themselves talk. And will do so. At length. Do not assume that anything fruitful will be said. Ever. Finally, do not fail to underestimate the stupidity of cashiers.

Or neighbors, for that matter.

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I hate you all, I should have killed you all 9 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Sunday June 11, 2006 at 4:33 pm)

So I have this neighbor and I’m having a really hard time trying to be neighborly with this cocksucker. At 6:55 this morning he started weed whacking his yard. Now, I was up at 5:30, but I was quietly sitting at my computer drinking some coffee, hacking up a half a lung so I could make room for a smoke and fondling myself when this bastard starts whacking the lawn.

What the fuck? Doesn’t anyone go to church anymore? I used to be able to count on these lame ass mutherfuckers to be in church in the early morning hours of Sunday and I didn’t have to worry about them annoying me until later in the day.

To wit: This same neighbor has a karaoke machine that he sometimes busts out, sets up in his yard (under a tent) and invites his friends over to aurally assault mankind. So, I get back from a long and trying morning only to discover that the newly weed whacked lawn is now full of drunk people singing karaoke.

The worst thing, this neighbor, apparently the only song he knows is My Way. Every twenty minutes since I’ve been back he’s belted that fucker out.  Badly, I might add. He’s in the middle of his seventh mind numbing rendition as we speak.

The ground is littered with dead birds who obviously couldn’t take the strain.

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No Whammies, Mutherfuckers 11 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Saturday June 10, 2006 at 5:17 pm)

I’m so happy I’m clean, that I’m not in jail and that I’m not dead.

Everything else – jobs, relationships, finances – will all work itself out.

Today, I’m alive. And I love my life.

And it’s getting better all the time…

Still, if I had that big red plunger which, if depressed, would wipe out all life on the planet, there’s a 37.8% chance that I’d slap that bitch in a heartbeat.

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