I could hammer a nail with this bitch 5 comments

Posted by grampa in health,I am full of love (Thursday June 29, 2006 at 8:35 am)

Dear Viagra spammers:

Except for comments from Jesus and the Wook which are getting bounced, it seems that you have the exclusive lock on filling up my spam filter.  I want to be VERY CLEAR ABOUT THIS: my liver is fucked, my eyes are shot, my brain feels like it is in a vice and and I have a zit on the side of my neck but MY COCK WORKS JUST FINE, thank you very much.  Stop peddling your product here.  Go see Jerry Falwell.  I’m sure he could use your help with his alterboys.

Yours in struggle,
Grampa

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grampa’s handy-dandy rules for living, vol. 3 3 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Tuesday June 27, 2006 at 8:09 am)

(Originally taken from the inscribed palm fronds comprising King Tonga’s Book of Happy Optimism.  Which, incidentally, is beautifully illustrated with hundreds of little Humpty-Dumptys)

Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Rule #119:

A friend will help you move.  A good friend will help you move a body.

It’s true.  Nuff said.

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It’s A Pale White Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand 3 comments

Posted by grampa in family (Sunday June 25, 2006 at 11:43 am)

When the Irish have bad days, they drink.

If they have given up drinking, they console themselves with a large kettle of home fries.  Mmmm. Delicious.

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Hills and Valleys 5 comments

Posted by grampa in the real shit (Saturday June 24, 2006 at 6:11 pm)

I have the absolute best friends in the world.  Bar none.

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I’m Gonna Kick Tomorrow 4 comments

Posted by grampa in health,I am full of love (Saturday June 24, 2006 at 11:34 am)

Somewhere between the homicidal thoughts, the vision problems, the mania and the general despair, my most recent attempt to quit smoking has ended.  Badly.

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Ahoy, Matey! Now Bend Over. 9 comments

Posted by grampa in health,I am full of love (Friday June 23, 2006 at 9:22 pm)

I’ve been having some vision problems due to one of the many medicines I’m currently taking for my host of ills.  At least I think it’s one of the medicines.  It could have been that, when I was dry-heaving for three days prior to my most recent hospitalization, I ruptured the laser surgery I had in December to fix a crack in my retina.  I won’t know until I fly to Honolulu next Friday and see the specialist.

What I do know is that by about 2 p.m. I’m pretty much blind and it is very hard to see unless I have my right eye closed.  So, I’ve been wearing an eye-patch in the afternoons.  This is good for a couple of reasons.  One, it allows me to satisfy my pirate fantasy I’ve had since I’ve been a wee lad.  Two, leering at the pretty girls that work at the hair salon across the street is much better when wearing an eye patch.  No one leers like a one-eyed pirate.  At least not me as a one-eyed pirate.

Now, if I could just find someone who will fuck me while I am wearing this thing.  Prepare to be boarded.  Now that would be special.  If you’re out there, (call me). 

What, just ’cause I’m blind you think I can’t still fuck?  Please. 

And, to all you representatives of the external, don’t even think for a second that just because I can’t see you, that I don’t still hate every single one of you.

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Hey Man, Got Any Strychnine? 3 comments

Posted by grampa in I am full of love (Thursday June 22, 2006 at 8:55 am)

An update on the Great Dog Menace of 2006.

Apparently, there is never any Zyklon B around when you really need it.

The lack of any large mammalian vermin, such as ground hogs, gophers or wolves, on this island means that the poison one would generally use to kill off these critters is not a big seller.  Free market economics being what they are, a lack of demand means that there is no supply.  Hence, I cannot get the aforementioned Cooke’s secret ingredient to make my meatballs and feed them to the dog next door.

I will not be deterred.  I am currently transforming my bathroom into a modified meth lab and am distilling a stronger poison out of the shit they give to rats.  It’s kind of a big dog.  Just yappy.  If I manage to not blow up the house, that fucker will surely be dead soon.

Who said all those years of drug addiction were wasted?

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Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Vol. 2 10 comments

Posted by grampa in grampa's handy-dandy rules for living (Monday June 19, 2006 at 10:14 pm)

(Special thanks to Doc Thorazine for unearthing this nugget of truth and conveying it to Jesus Yow Christ, who later bestowed it upon me)

Grampa’s Handy-Dandy Rules for Living, Rule #37:

It’s a fine life, if you don’t weaken.

Recently I heard someone talking about the “Courage to Endure.”  To me, this could mean, say, you are in the middle of week 19 of 48 weeks of chemotherapy for some minor, but, ultimately, terminal liver disease you may have picked while up being extremely stupid in your youth.  Some days you have no desire to get out of bed, or go to work, or exercise, or behave civilly to any other human being.  Still, you have to force yourself.  When it comes right down to it, some days all you have is the courage to endure.  And, really, that is all you need to get you through. 

Though, a really understanding roommate doesn’t hurt.

That is not, however, what this rule is about.

The reality of this rule is simple.  If an opportunity presents itself, you need to be prepared to take it.  For instance, say it is 6:39 a.m. on a Saturday morning.   For the sake of this example, let us assume that there is no trash pick up on your island and you have to take it to the transfer station yourself.  You are out on your lanai and you are getting your trash together to take to the dump.  At that instance the little yappy dog from across the street just happens to trot up to you.  And licks you.  To say that you have fantasized more than a hundred ways to kill this dog would be the understatement of the decade.  And the fucker comes up and licks you. While you have an empty trash bag, suitable for the disposal of evidence, in your hands.

It is at this point that you need to get all Carpe Diem and make a decision.  You have two choices. 

(A) You need to get over any moral quandary you may have about whether offing this dog is in any way spiritual and pet it with one hand while dragging your J. Marttiini filet knife across its throat with the other, then toss it in the bag, hose off the porch and head to the dump;

or,

(B) You need to stop complaining about that dog and just get the fuck on with your life.

I think it was Gandhi that said, “He who hesitates is lost, mutherfucker.”  He was so right.

I’m sorry, Gandhi, I let you down.  As I sit here mixing Cooke’s secret ingredient with ground beef, listening to the dog bark and making meatballs, I can say for absolute certain that I won’t let you down again.

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Happy Day, Poppa 4 comments

Posted by grampa in family,the real shit (Sunday June 18, 2006 at 11:16 am)

So, today being Father’s Day, I called my dad.  I didn’t get him anything, though.  There really isn’t anything that he needs, at least nothing that I can think of.

I think at this point, I’ve already given him the best gift that I can ever give him.  Today I’m alive, I’m clean, I’m happy and he doesn’t have to watch me destroy myself anymore.  What’s an apple corer compared to that?

So, dad, if I haven’t told you lately, thanks for everything. 

And I love you.

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Why I Love My Brother, Vol. 1 3 comments

Posted by grampa in family,haiku (Friday June 16, 2006 at 10:55 am)

I mean, really, who other than a sibling could you have this kind of exchange with, especially before 10:30 a.m. on a Friday morning?

Grampa

B straddles cub scout
cracktastic fag boy banger
next, Brownies and beer

The Mighty Hunter

Nature trip gone wrong
malicious moose mounting Gramps
grunts, moans, shrieks…..moose jizz

Grampa

The mighty hunter
ass raped by rabid mongoose
hangs his head in shame

The Mighty Hunter

Rabid baboon sex
balls swell to coconut size
volcanic fire looms

I guess you could do this with your mom, but it wouldn’t really be the same.

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