Fuck You! And Your Cat 4 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Thursday February 14, 2008 at 2:31 pm)

Fuck Valentine’s Day.

Yeah, I just got an email from my ex-girlfriend asking me if I sent something to her work place. 

I replied, “Sorry, I don’t fight battles I can’t win, must be some other sucker.”

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The Great Hunt 2 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Monday January 7, 2008 at 11:53 pm)

One day I will meet my equal in a mate and we will be great. Fey and terrible to behold.  The fires of our passions will consume those of the mere mortals, and yet our compassions will buoy the world.

Let the theme of 2008 be The Hunt Begins.

Oh, it is so on, bitches.

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I’m Back In the Saddle Again 5 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love,random shit (Sunday November 18, 2007 at 11:59 pm)

Today has just been a wonderful day.  I cleaned my house, went to Kona to Walmart and CostCo, got my full workout in, made chicken fajitas and just had a wonderful conversation with a new little brown girl.

Oh, and I saw the greatest bumper sticker EVER:

Jesus Loves You.
Everyone Else Thinks You’re an Asshole

Goodnight Jesus (and everyone really does think you’re an asshole).

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Fuck Bringing Sexy Back, Bring Back the Bitter 23 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,grampa's handy-dandy rules for living,I am full of love,the real shit (Wednesday September 12, 2007 at 12:15 am)

You know, sometimes I wonder while I even allow myself to believe in the illusion that I can ever be truly happy.  I mean, shit, I know that I’m better off a bitter, cynical bastard.

Shame on me for thinking that it could ever be any other way.

That’s right, kids, Girl 2007.1 is now a smoking ash-heap. 

But, with the illusion of happiness draining away, I now feel the creative juices of spite and sarcasm boiling in my blood once again.  I’m back, bitches.

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This One Might Hurt, But Damn If It Isn’t Worth It 10 comments

Posted by grampa in dating (Saturday July 14, 2007 at 8:00 am)

Sweet Merciful Crap.   I may be in over my head on this one.  You see, last night I was with the most physically perfect woman of my entire life.  (Yow – even better than Kristi Bishop.  In her prime).

The position of little brown girl is currently filled.  Any prospective applicants are going to have to dig pretty fuck’n deep.

Praise the Lord, pass the Geritol and a couple of buckets of Human Growth Hormone.   My back’s gonna need it.

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Moving On 19 comments

Posted by grampa in dating (Sunday April 29, 2007 at 11:07 pm)

I made a very adult decision this evening.  I’d tell you all about it, but I haven’t finished writing it yet.

Stay tuned.

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A Word on Internet Dating 11 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Tuesday April 3, 2007 at 12:10 am)

That’s right, fucktards, I’ve entered the world of internet dating.

What?  What’s a guy to do?  This island is full of crackheads, losers, and chicks with, like, thirteen kids before they’re twenty years old.

And I’m just talking about my friends. 

But, I have to say something about one internet site in particular:

Dear True.com:

Fuck you, you slimy cock bitch bag of cockmunchers.

Yours truly,
The Lord Protector of Madagascar.

You see, they won’t let me on their site.  It was the one that I really wanted to be on, too.  There are like four little brown girls on their site, THAT LIVE IN MY TOWN (which, incidentally, has only about 1200 people and is the teen pregnancy and crackhead capital of the North side of the island), that have college educations and no fucking children.

So, I’m all ready to join and these self-righteous ass monkeys won’t let me on.  Why, you may ask?  Because they won’t let felons on their site. 

That’s right.  I know this may come as a shock to some of you, that an articulate and caring man such as myself may be a criminal.  Say it isn’t so.

I know.  It’s shocking.  It truly is. 

You see, back in 2002 I took a felony charge for possession with intent to deliver 2 pounds of marijuana.  I didn’t roll on my guys, so I took a felony hit.  It was the only time I had ever been arrested, charged or convicted of ANYTHING, except for traffic citations.  And now these donkey punching, ferret fisting whores at TRUE tell me that I can’t be let into the Garden Of Little Brown Girl Delights because I’m a ex-pot dealer? 

Fuck, man, I did my time and I’ve been clean for nearly three and a half years.

These fuckers made me feel like I was a sex offender or something.  I mean, sure, I’m a little sexual deviant, but I’ve never took a collar for it or copped to it.

Granted, I like tying girls to the bed as much as the next guy that shops at ExtremeRestraints but I’ve never chloroformed anybody and locked them in my basement. 

And, I tell every girl, every single one, on the first date, about all of it.  Aren’t these people old enough to make up their minds themselves?  And don’t the judgmental pricks at True think that people can ever change?  How long do I have to carry this shit around?

I mean, shit, I don’t even have a basement.

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There’s So Many Possibilities For This To All End Badly, It’s Almost Guaranteed 5 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love,random shit (Monday April 2, 2007 at 9:04 am)

You know what is really starting to piss me off?

Women who claim to like spontaneity and then complain when everything about a spontaneous event isn’t fuck’n perfect.

Don’t these bitches have any idea of how much planning and effort we go through to create the illusion of a “spontaneous” event just so their dumb asses can be happy?  I mean, if you’re going to have a real spontaneous event, then you’ve got to realize that sometimes shit just ain’t gonna be perfect.

You can’t have it both ways, ladies.  So suck it the fuck up.

I’ll have more to say about this later, but for now, Discuss.

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My Hemingway Moment 6 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,the real shit (Monday February 5, 2007 at 4:34 pm)

I’ve learned throughout my life that there are certain types of moments one can experience.  Unfortunately, for someone such as myself who has a propensity to borrow trouble from the future (as my dear great gramma Vetter used to say) sometimes I’m not always aware of them.

One of these is that proverbial life-changing event.  I find that this one is always much easier to spot in retrospect, as these moments are usually subtle and not always particularly noticeable at the time.  Especially when one is caught in maelstrom of current events.  However, when I look back at my life, I can see certain events which, though they didn’t seem so at the time, marked a decisive shift in my life, a Rubicon if you will, regardless of the manner in which the change occurred.

I have to admit, that I have a lot “missing moments” in my years of hazy, drug-induced living.  Some of them are only clear to me in the retrospect, as I’ve described above.  Memories of some moments swim into my consciousness several years after the fact and, I’m certain, some are gone forever.  That’s the price one pays.  That being said, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I’m not sorry.  I am of the opinion that, if the moment was valuable enough for remembrance, then it should have been part of the Darwinian process of brain cell retention.

My favorite kind of moment, by far, is what I like to call the Hemingway moment.  These are those times which, for me, I feel most alive and I am, truly, wholly in the moment.  Times when the past and future cease to exist.  At the absolute best of these times, I can sense a clarity of knowing, whether it be a life-changing event or not, that this moment is something that will be one of those that stays with me for the rest of my life.

An example of this is October 15, 2006 at 7:07 a.m.  I was in bed, having sex with my girlfriend (Girl 2006.2 for those of you keeping score).  I was propped up on my arms, she had her legs around me.

Then, it happened.

The earth started shaking.  It was a minor earthquake.  I thought that it was just one of the little 4 pointers that we always get out here.  The bed shook for a few seconds, and I looked into her eyes and said “Did the Earth move for you, too?”  And she looked at me with almost childlike fascination and nodded her head and smiled.

Then she pinched my nipple really hard and we returned to the business at hand.

But, it wasn’t just a little 4 pointer after all.  A few seconds later the earth really started going when the 6.7 quake hit.  My bookshelves started disgorging their contents and my closet shelves did the same.  The bed started skidding across the floor.  Contrary to all wisdom about going outside or getting into a door frame, we stayed right where we were, engaged in the moment until its climax.

The earthquake eventually ended, too.

Later, as we were preparing breakfast, I said to her, referring to our budding relationship, “Baby, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’ll remember you forever.”

The earthquake and the girl are both long gone at this point.  The last thing that I ever said to her was “Had I known then what I know now, I’d still do it all over again.” 

I meant every word.  And while, in the months following her departure from my life, the memories of the scent of her perfume and the touch of her skin on mine sporadically make me wish that she was still around, I remember my Hemingway moment and I realize that, even if the price is a couple of months filled with intermittent pangs of loss, I know with absolute certainty that it is moments like this that make life worth living. 

Still, I wish I would have tied her to the bed one more time before she slipped away.

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A Delicious Distraction 27 comments

Posted by grampa in dating,I am full of love (Thursday January 11, 2007 at 2:21 pm)

So, I’m thinking that I’m about to make what will probably end up to be a mistake. 

However, one just has to take opportunities when they arise.  Especially after all of the facts are considered.

I mean, truly, when you ask yourself, “Well, when’s the next time I’ll get to fuck a 20 year-old without paying for it,” and the answer is “Probably not anytime soon.”  Then you just have to seize the bull by the horns, or the little brown girl by the waist, and just plunge into it headlong and ride that sucker out until it inevitably ends badly. 

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